Wednesday, October 3, 2007

It isn't stress....

And this post is not professional, it's just honest. Really this blog isn't professional, because if it was I'd never write in it because I'm a human being, not a corporation.

I'm extremely busy. Unforgivably so, I think, though there's no one to forgive but myself. I've taken on the roll of Fundraising Chair for the New Paltz chapter of Habitat for Humanity, and we've just purchased 15 spring break plane tickets to New Orleans. The total was a bit over $5000, which really isn't bad until you realize that I've just signed myself up to figure out how to fundraise some $6000 total by early February or else we're all going to get stuck with the bill. And 14 other people are depending on it.

This on top of a whole lot of school work that came up quite suddenly. (None of us, professors and students alike, quite realized it was midterm)

I love projects, and generally I'm thrilled to be busy and not have time to think about my emotions but this week they're creeping in when there's nothing I can do to stop them. I'd forgotten how it felt to be lonely, and now, surrounded by people ending relationships (seriously, 5 in the last week and a half) the reality of it is coming back pretty quick. On one hand I'm wishing I could lock myself away and not face it, cry a lot and mope about, but on the other I know that I'm too devoted to my life to stop doing what I love, and I would only hate myself more if I neglected myself.

What's getting me is the anxiety. Am I capable of another relationship any time in the near future? Will I ever stop being anxious about being capable of another relationship? Will my anxiety about being anxious about being capable of another relationship prevent me from being capable of another relationship and thus will I forever be anxious about my abilities? Is Caleb okay? Will I always be scared of men? Why do I care if Caleb's okay? Realistically I know that it will all be okay, but anxiety doesn't work that way, it doesn't follow logic, nor does it respond to it.

Where do you find energy in a time like this? How does one overcome anxiety without the meds? That's the point of this post. Not to angst and whine, I just genuinely need some advice.


BetteJo said...

Oh Honey, you know I rely on the meds, so I can't help you there. The only thing I can say is - emotions are so different from person to person but I believe that the more intelligent you are, the more difficult they can be. Some people are lucky to just 'feel' - smarter people tend to feel, think about feeling, get anxious about feeling, instead of just letting things happen naturally. I believe you will get past this bad spot. You can't avoid the feelings and sometimes you need to let them to overwhelm you a bit and have a good cry - as long as you don't allow yourself to stay there.
Relationships are a tough thing and I am absolutely no expert. But you're young, talented, intelligent and sweet! Emotions are described as roller coaster sometimes because they simply - are.
Feel better.

Robin Marie said...

I over-think every single thing. I guess I do just need to let go sometimes, but it's hard to find the time for that. I don't have a free afternoon in sight. I think it's very indicative of my personality that I hate all forms of roller coasters. I'm a bit up tight, and I need to find some time to just chill out.

You are wonderful, and you always have the right words. Thank you!


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